SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN IS A ” MILD SHITHOLE “

The following is an excerpt bit from KMBP Season 2, Episode 18 : ” The Burning of The Burbs “

This week, we here at KMBP have started a new segment called ” THE BURBS – Suburban Spotlight : How they came to be and how they came to be FUCKED UP. ”

Usually, if you live in Southern Michigan and you hear the word ” Hood ” you immediately think DETROIT. Maybe even PONTIAC. But one place that can be described as a ” hidden Hood ” would be the city of SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN. This city started off being a place for families to raise children, start businesses, and generally live life crime-free in the happy suburbs. Today, Southfield can be described in the scientific vernacular as a ” Mild Shithole “.

Southfield, Michigan has a unique problem with cars being on fire. Yes, that’s right – flaming cars. In the video above, I drove past a garbage truck that was on fire in the middle of the day. No biggie, these things happen. But at a rate of one a week, cars that suddenly burst into flaming hot flames of fire is a somewhat alarming fact in this pleasantly frightening city.

SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN FUN GAME # 1 : ” Rate That Ride ”

If you see a driveway at a house in Southfield, there will be on average at least four or five cars parked there. Most of the time, these are rentals and if you see only two cars in the driveway, the other two are out at the check-cashing store or buying the new Travis Scott meal at McDonald’s.

SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN FUN GAME # 2 : ” Rate That Roof ”

There are a lot of cool-looking mid-century modern houses and ranch homes in Southfield. The problem is that at close inspection, one can see that almost all residential homes in that city have major structural issues with their roofs. Most are caved in, lop-sided, and in disrepair. Another detail is that many of these roofs don’t collect any snow in the winter. When you see lots of snow on the ground, you won’t see any on the roof because of lack of insulation, torn shingles, and rental car exhaust.

So what have we learned about Southfield, Michigan? It’s a bustling city full of much positive activity – commerce, restaurants, liquor stores, and fried chicken – but it also has a dark side of lethargic drivers, violent street people, car bombs, dilapidated housing, vacant office buildings, unfinished construction, undocumented immigrants, and the unbridled chaos that is Northwestern Highway. Should we judge this town harshly for what it represents and its downward spiral into madness and despair? Perhaps. But we here at KMBP think you can actually, in all seriousness, truly polish a turd. Let us celebrate this ” Mild Shithole ” and let Southfield fly its freak flag hard and HIGH!! LONG LIVE SOUTHFIELD!

DUMB JOKE OF THE WEEK : I couldn’t quit thinking about this all night, and here’s the joke I came up with : There’s a progressive rock band called Spock’s Beard. I’ve never heard a note of their music, but I have heard of them. If Spock’s Beard was an in-the-closet gay man, then his girlfriend would be called Spock’s Beard’s BEARD. Hahahahaha hahahhaaaaaa

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