BREAKING NEWS : I don’t suffer from any kind of FOMO.

I just learned that gay term ” FOMO ” about a year ago, and it rhymes with ” HOMO “, and that’s exactly what I feel like when I say ” FOMO “. Everybody older than 35 years old are saying to themselves, ” FOMO? What the hell is that? ” My point exactly. Me knowing and/or using the word FOMO seriously in a sentence is the exact same thing as letting a man cum all over your face while jacking off two other dudes with both hands. I know, it’s a brutal visual. Unless you’re gay….then it’s an awesome Friday night.

Speaking of Friday nights, I don’t give one single shit about weekends anymore. Unless I have a road trip or a plane ride planned, the weekend doesn’t hold any great wonder for me. First off all, I do the KMBP Podcast with my brother, Mr. Al Davis, every Wednesday and we always have beers and shots during the show. That’s a mid-week party right there. Second, I’m an amazing cook and when I do, I’m pouring wine, making cocktails, and playing music. That’s another mid-week impromptu party too. And finally, what kind of a pussy waits for the weekend to have any kind of fun?? You only have one life and you can sleep when you die. GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME ON A RANDOM TUESDAY!

As The American Curmudgeon and at this point in my life, I’m just a cranky old man. My interests have boiled down to cooking food in my kitchen, tending to my backyard food garden, obsessing over my lawn, and having cocktails at my Tiki bar on my patio. My favorite band coming to town? I already saw them and I don’t care. Two of my formerly-favorite bands, Faith No More & Mr. Bungle were going to appear at RiotFest in Chicago last week and I wasn’t even interested. Mr. Bungle is now a thrash metal band ( yawwwwwwwwn ) and Faith No More had to cancel their entire tour because Mike Patton decided to have a mental breakdown like a total fag. Mental breakdown? So you can’t go make a shitload of money and be adored by tons of screaming fans? The fuck outta here with that shit.

The same goes for parties, get-togethers, weddings, and retreats. Anything more than six people is too many and if I don’t know anyone there, don’t expect me to show up. In fact, I really only like parties when I’m the focal point or I can stand behind my Tiki bar and pour drinks. I don’t go to local bars anymore because why would I go and spend money on weak-ass drinks and not be able to control the music? Plus I’m married. I’m not out trolling for pussy in a bar when I got the wife at home ready to suck my dick 24-7. My Tiki bar is my favorite bar in the world….the drinks are cheap & strong, the jukebox has all of the songs I wanna hear, and I can legally sexually harass the waitress. AND, hate speech is not only tolerated….it’s encouraged.

This is a picture of American Freedom.

The overall deal is that I do not suffer from any kind of ” Fear Of Missing Out “. You’re going on a plane ride to Paris? Good for you. You got two sluts back at your crib with a pile of cocaine and ready for a threesome? Knock yourself out. There’s a surprise party for me and everyone there is instructed to give me money and handjobs? WAIT – I’ll be there in 5 minutes! You get the idea. It’s a great place to be, and in these trying times of Coof hysteria and worldwide gayness, it’s something to shoot for. Don’t worry about other people. Just worry about your shit.

American Curmudgeon is published here every Friday morning at 9am, and a video podcast every Monday evening at 5:30pm. The American Curmudgeon podcast is hosted at the KMBP Podcast channel on YouTube here :


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