AMERICAN CURMUDGEON : ” STAR WARS was always just for KIDS “

If you’re a grown adult, and you’re a fan of the movie ” STAR WARS “, you probably don’t want to read this….but….


Because I’m the American Curmudgeon, I have a lot of pet peeves. Grown people liking comic books and superhero movies, any kind of professional sports, old people playing in heavy metal bands, the leftie politics of punk rock music, BLM & rainbow ” Love is Love ” signs on lawns, LEGOs, the entire city of Ferndale, Michigan… get the idea. But one of the things that has bugged me to no end over the past 20 years is this notion that STAR WARS is anything but a movie for children.

First of all, STAR WARS should’ve just been one movie. One and done. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a cute little movie and at the time, the special effects were revolutionary, but like the guitar histrionics of Eddie Van Halen, it had its own time and its own place. We should all talk about STAR WARS like, ” man, remember that weird movie from the late 1970’s with the robots, the whiny kid, the old guy, the chick with the cinnamon buns on her head, and the walking dog? That was pretty cool. ” It never should’ve had a sequel, much less TWO sequels, three prequels, cartoons, books, spin-offs, blah blah blah. NO! It should have just been ONE MOVIE. One and done. It even had a prefect ending – they got medals and everyone clapped! What more do ya want??

I saw STAR WARS right when it was released in 1977, so I was there from the beginning of all this shit. I was also the perfect age to see this movie…I was 9 years old and saw it at the Americana Theatre in Southfield, MI. The hype back then was that it was shown in huge 70MM film and with DOLBY STEREO SOUND!! That was a big fuckin’ deal in those days and that meant the screen was bigger than God’s dick and the sound completely filled the room and went everywhere around your head. Just because I said earlier that this was a ” cute little movie ” doesn’t mean that it wasn’t cool as fucking hell, because it absolutely was cool as fucking hell. Especially for my impressionable nine-year old eyes, ears, and brain. It even came with an awesome movie program! How many times have you seen that shit?

How many movies can you remember that had an actual cool-ass program to take home like this??

So, the point I’m making this week is that STAR WARS was always marketed towards kids, even from the get-go. It’s public knowledge that George Lucas specifically asked for the merchandising rights when working out his Hollywood deal to make the film, because he knew he had lightning in a bottle. He knew that kids were gonna buy anything with C-3PO and R2-D2 on it. And they did. You see, another pet peeve of mine is this modern-day ” Nerd Culture ” where young people say they’re a Nerd because they play video games, read comics, and love STAR WARS. But you know what? In the 1970’s, Nerds were NOT something that anyone wanted to be and everyone, I mean, EVERYONE loved STAR WARS. It was the biggest movie in the world in 1977 and liking it meant that you liked Coca-Cola or breathing air. It didn’t make you a nerd. It made you just like everyone else.

All of these assholes for the last 20 years have been trying to elevate STAR WARS to be this mature & vast outer space world of creatures, life lessons, and mystical layers. NO. At best, it was a sci-fi cartoon version of King Arthur and maybe a hint of Flash Gordon perfectly suited for the consumption and enjoyment of young minds. Not adults. It’s not ” Lord of The Rings “. Adults around 35 years old today have no context or memory of how saturated and commercialized STAR WARS was from the very start. They even sold an EMPTY display for its action figures to keep up with demand! Can you imagine buying an empty box? It was fucking hilarious.

” Here ya go, Johnny. A big box of NOTHING. Merry Christmas, kiddo! “

Yep, from 1977 onward, the public was smashed in the face with a never-ending onslaught of STARS WARS shit – the legendary but very underwhelming Kenner action figures, the Land speeder, TIE & X-wing fighters, Super 8 films, Burger King collectable glasses, Academy Awards appearances, books, vinyl albums, comics, stickers, a Disco album, and even a TV Holiday special that was so fuckin’ bad that George Lucas himself tried to have it erased from history!

The limited universe of the original STAR WARS movie didn’t warrant the non-stop expansion of the sequels and prequels, much like the hatred for Jar Jar Binks was unwarranted as well. You wanna know why? Because STAR WARS is not for adults. It’s for kids. Just like Jar Jar. Just like all of the toys. We didn’t need to see a 75-year old Han Solo. We didn’t need to see a CGI Carrie Fisher being brought back from the dead. We didn’t need ” The Last Jedi “. We didn’t need ” Rogue One “. We certainly didn’t need any of those horribly unwatchable prequels. We don’t need STAR WARS at all. It should live in the past. Back in 1977. Where it belongs.

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