I’ve officially become everything I used to hate. And, I think I like it.
I used to make fun of people who fished. Anyone who hunted. Southern people with southern accents. People from small towns. Anyone who liked car-drivin’ American music like Sammy Hagar, Night Ranger, Journey, April Wine, etc…
I thought people who enjoyed mowing their lawns were suckers. I saw my future as being a lifelong renter, and never owning a house again after a turbulent time owning a house in Warren, Michigan. That house was in an area I liked to call ” White Harlem ” near 9 Mile Road and Van Dyke. I thought people who got married were the stupidest people on the planet ( the jury is still out on that one ). I never wanted to own an animal, much less a fuckin’ dog. I was never political, except for when my favorite musicians or film directors stated their political views – then I would mindlessly agree with them because I liked their music or art. Basically, I saw myself as a member of the counter culture and proud to be ALTERNATIVE.
Now, I’m completely the opposite. I’m a proud homeowner and I love mowing my lawn. I even take great pride in weed-whacking and edging. I’m totally obsessed with my vegetable garden. I love to water it in the morning and find all of the tomatoes and cucumbers ripe enough to pick. I just bought a shotgun and actually plan on shooting it at a gun range! My favorite music in the world is AM radio hits from the early 1970’s…y’know like The Guess Who and Melanie? That kind of stuff is perfect to drink to. Speaking of drinking, I gave up on trying to appreciate wine. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I just wanna pound beers on my patio. My patio also happens to be my favorite place in the world. That includes my grill. I own a pit bull, too. She’s technically a Staffordshire Terrier, but that’s another name for pit bull and she’s my little cuddle-bunny. I’ve been to Texas and some of the south, and I loved it. In fact, I went to Dallas / Fort Worth and liked Fort Worth wayyyyy more than Dallas. Dallas seemed a little too liberal for me, whereas Fort Worth had ” Trump 2020 ” stickers everywhere….UN-ironically. That shit was fucking GREAT. I even attended an actual rodeo. Watching a dude in real-life cowboy gear getting thrown off of an angry bull is a billion times more fun than seeing The Melvins in Hamtramck, I gotta tell ya.
I’m now a puttering old man who talks to himself and always finds a moment to be shirtless around the house. 10 years ago, shit – FIVE years ago, I would’ve been horrified to think this….but now I have NO shame in my game. My old man game is on point. I love my douchebag music and I buy used CDs. I don’t trust the cloud, and I don’t have Spotify. I even started to buy used VHS tapes recently…why the fuck NOT? My politics have changed, too. When I was in my 20’s, I guess I would’ve been a lefty even though I had no idea what ” the left ” even was. Back in those days, whatever Ian Mackaye from Fugazi said made sense to me. Now, I’m a guns, freedom, and get off my fucking property-type of guy. Archie Bunker and Ron Swanson are my spirit animals. I don’t care what the fuck YOU want to do, just keep it away from me. I guess maybe I could be described as a libertarian, but I hate labels. I don’t like groups of any kind, I don’t go to parties, and I wouldn’t be caught dead at a rally or giving money to a political cause. Get your OWN cash, you losers. Stay the fuck out of MY wallet.
I’ve come to hate all of the so-called ” counter culture ” and ” alternative ” type of musicians, bands, artists, comedians and filmmakers that I used to love back in the 1980’s & 90’s. Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Marc Maron, and other ” alt-comics ” all suck now. Punk rock, noise, metal, and even The Pet Shop Boys…I see them all as pitiful sell-outs and irrelevant aging hacks just clinging on to former rebellious past glory. I don’t give a fuck about ANY of those stupid shitheads anymore. I’d rather mow my lawn and grill a steak in my backyard while crushing a vodka lemonade in a pint glass and listening to England Dan and John Ford Coley.
American Curmudgeon is published here every Friday morning at 9am, and a video podcast every Monday evening at 5:30pm. The American Curmudgeon podcast is hosted at the KMBP Podcast channel on YouTube here :