1.LIE ABOUT IT! Get yourself a Facebook or Instagram page and post yourself with a beer every day ( I already do this, and I find my life is immeasurably better than everyone else. ).
If you’re a fat girl, take selfies from up high and only show off your huge tits and cleavage. If you’re a 46 year old black guy, definitely show off your rented Porsche.
2. PRAY! The secret to making your life better is to visualize what your goals are. Wanna make more money? Just think about money. Are you a midget and you wanna be taller? Just think about having longer legs. Have you ever seen a girl that had like, NO titties? The way to fix that problem is to grab her by the shoulders and scream directly into her face at the top of your lungs : ” HAVE BIGGER TITS!!!!! ”
3. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING – EVENTUALLY, THINGS WILL START GOING YOUR WAY! Life is very circular. Eventually, things will come your way…IF you just wait around for them to happen. My cunt ex-wife was retarded, and now she’s a PILOT. How did that happen? Who the fuck knows or cares, it’s 2021!
4. GET MARRIED! Don’t you know that there’s nothing better in life than BEING MARRIED?? You get to live every moment with that one special someone who loves you just for being YOU. Make 2021 your year and get married!
5. GET DIVORCED! If you’re gonna go through the trouble of getting married, then you may as well get divorced. You know damned well that third kid is NOT yours. That fuckin’ brat doesn’t even look like you and your wife wasn’t even putting out the year he was born anyway. Why not burn it all down and start over again?
6. START PLAYING THE LOTTO! You can’t win if you don’t play, so throw your slab on the betting board and try to make it rain the easy way. Who wants to get rich slowly? GET RICH QUICK! We’re talkin’ ” park it between her cheeks! “.
7. GET ON UNEMPLOYMENT! Why work? That’s a fuckin’ sucker’s game, and you’ll never reach your financial goals by actually working an honest job. Also, think about how much more pussy you can bang and pot you can smoke if you’re home all day! You don’t wanna die early like Eddie Van Halen, you wanna die at 103 years old like Kirk Douglas, so sit back and collect your paycheck.
8. RUN IN FRONT OF A CAR, GET HIT, AND THEN SUE THAT POOR BASTARD! Listen – that guy has insurance for a reason and you need some cash. The system is there for you to work it, so get slammed and get paid, son! How do you think Charlie got in to see the Super Bowl? He did the ol’ one-two action, and it worked.
9. SUE THE DOCTOR THAT WORKS ON YOU! Even if he did a good job, fuck it – SUE! SUE! SUE! Make this the best year ever, while you’re cooling your heels in the hosptial after diving in front of that old lady’s station wagon.
10. HAVE 9 KIDS AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO PAY TAXES….’CAUSE YOU’RE BROKE! Who the hell likes doing chores anyways? Make your personal army of slaves and never do anything ever again! The first one will babysit the other younger one, and so on, and so on, and so on….and then your brood will carry you right into your geriatric years and to your forever slumber. It all starts now and THIS YEAR, 2021!
TRUST US. This plan will make your life better. Keep us posted with your progress, friends!